pfft...

I reckon men are open to subconscious suggestion.

I went to urinate earlier today(in a toilet bowl) and noticed that, well,I just couldn't 'go'. This may have been because I was having a conversation about the price of chicken fillets with my house mate, who was standing just over 3ft away. Upon noticing my golden traffic jam, I turned my attention to the sink, and more importantly, it's fossets(bit of americanism for us europeans) I turned one, it was at this point that a miracle happened. My yellow unmentionable gushed forth in a mighty downpour greater than anything the Met office could have predicted.

So, using this minor study on the male cerebral pattern, I wondered, could I be manipulated into, let's say, bed?

Could a women, using all her cunning and feline tact, lure me into a state of undress. A state where I am not nearly as comfortable as when I'm in semi-undress, aka, wearing a toga.

I thought it over for a moment. It would have to start by conversation(knowing that women are physically inferior to most men (of any respectable stature)

Bah,they're drunk women are here, they're drunk. Drunk women are without the power of normal conversation but retain the power of speech. A deadly combination. haha I'm a genius!

Raw Deal....

Doug Stanhope is a good man. He's also an intelligent man. And while browsing several interviews from the "Sicko" himself, I came across this interesting little aside discussing humans as a commodity.

City Paper: You're known for pushing your body to the extremes in terms of drug use. How do you feel about extreme sports?

Doug Stanhope: If you take unnecessary risks with your life in what's considered an athletic or sporting endeavor — mountain climbing, etc. — it's applauded. But if you do the same with your brain — psychedelics, etc. — you're a fucking moron. Evidently it's socially acceptable to get your thrills if it results in great calves and a tan, but frowned upon if it only gives you empathy for the human condition.

CP: Any other suggestions for feeling empathy for people?

DS: Stop making them. People are no different from any other commodity. The more there are on the market, the less their value. Slow the output and watch their market value skyrocket.


While he's obviously ripping on meat heads on muscle beach, you have to wonder how he came to the conclusion that humans themselves, having invented commodities in their many shapes and forms, are their biggest commodity.

I enjoy my life at present. I don't have a lot of spare cash for the things I want, but I was never the kind of guy to frequent upper class escorts to begin with. No, I've just about done my bit for society over the years. I believe working a gas pump for 2 bucks an hour was taxation that was inherent in the act. So now my payslips come with a social welfare stamp and begruding closing salutation from the pawn behind the desk at the post office. But for all of my hard work over the years, I now drag a shitty 197.50 every week with which to live on. This is the governments budget on pocket money for the people.

Now if people are to be considered consumers, but also considered a commodity. Then does this make any investment in them a put-option from the beginning??? For those of you who don't know what a put option is, it's a negative investment in a stock. It's essentially investing in a stock with the hope that it will fall. A negative wager.

Now, the basic principles of supply and demand can be rooted out of almost any daily chore. We don't like some of our friends in life, so we say we like them "in small doses". So, someone spews so much bullshit but their not a bad person, so the demand is small, thus, over supplementation will lead to a greater fall in demand until it becomes null altogether.

Now we apply this to a larger group than one person. Say, a whole town. And let's say this town was filled with the greatest underachievers in our society. Actually, let's just take Finglas, North Co. Dublin. Now, if you were to remove Finglas and it's inhabitants overnight. The demand for scum may increase slightly in the areas of, binmen, shelf stackers, prostitutes etc. But now comes the interesting part of our little stock market.

When supply for one commodity drops, or vanishes completely. It is replaced with the nearest stock to fall into the same category or that at least quells some of the requirements of the previous stock. This is a domino effect in all it's glory. Kind of like that movie Alive. When you run out of food, eat your best friends pancreas.

So, taking the reverse of this fundamental. Some stocks demand other stocks to maintain their own value. For example, there's no point in producing crank shafts for a Ford Focus if the car is no longer being made. So, taking our town of recently cleansed Finglians, they demand many things. Pampers, Aldi supermarkets, 9mm ammo, and most importantly, welfare payments. So when demand for child benefit and unemployment support has a drastic fall in one area, but when their is a still a market for such commodities (ie, the rest of the north side) the supply see's an increase in these areas.


Now if you haven't been following , or you have some literacy problems and seem to forget any information you've read up to 5 lines previous to this one, then here it is in a nutshell.


If we kill a load of people on the dole, then we'll get more money for doing nothing! :D

I'm sure there's a communist ideal underlying all of this.

Iron Curtain? More like an Iron facecloth.

Strike a fucking match..

And burn away the last few days. If I have to listen to one more woman list all the reasons why I'm a fucking asshole, I'll turn myself into the law for all those fires just to get away.


I woke up this morning with the usual erection. After a short debate on what to do with my tent pole, I felt the need for an urgent urine deposit. So I plodded barefoot to the dive of a bathroom I share with my house mates. It was a good concentrated yellow fountain. The kind that you know your bladder really went overtime on to ferment to perfection.

Anyway, you can tell that this was a normal day to begin with. Was I wasn't expecting was the sheer tidal wave of bullshit I'd have to listen to from pretty much every girl I've glanced at in the last 3 weeks. To make matters worse the local law enforcement decided it would be a good idea to stop me and my brothers on the street to ask us a few questions. "What the fuck?" I hear you say. Fear not my brothers and sisters, for I to uttered this very words.

Oh, look at this,it's a fucking law:

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Rules relating to certain breeds of dog

The Control of Dogs Regulations 1998 (S.I. No. 442 of 1998) impose additional rules in relation to the following breeds (and strains/cross-breeds) of dog in Ireland:

American Pit Bull Terrier
English Bull Terrier
Staffordshire Bull Terrier
Bull Mastiff
Dobermann Pinscher
German Shepherd (Alsatian)
Rhodesian Ridgeback
Rottweiler
Japanese Akita
Japanese Tosa
Bandog
The rules state that:

These dogs (or strains and crosses of them) must be kept on a short strong lead by a person over 16 years who is capable of controlling them
These dogs (or strains and crosses of them) must be muzzled whenever they are in a public place
These dogs (or strains and crosses of them) must wear a collar bearing the name and address of their owner at all times.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So our friendly neighborhood pigs decide to give us shit about having a Dog De Bourbeax out without a muzzle on. The cock chuggers didn't even know what breed the mutt was so how can they justify the pedestrian checkpoint without even knowing the law?? I swear I wanted to slap that bacon strip right there, but the prospect of some guy called "pink pocket" being my cell mate and future rapist doesn't bode well.

I'm not even arsed with any creative writing, I'm just pissed off and off my head on green tea!

Your a fucking retard....

Yeah, you know who I'm talking about. The helmet licking desk jockey that writes the disclaimers that you and I agree to during our daily (internet,and thus not actually real) lives. Did you know that if you've installed iTunes on your computer then you've agreed, in part, to not being a terrorist?? Yeah that's right, Steve Jobs has managed to work his way into the hearts and minds(and pockets) of the F.B.I and C.I.A in US. Check this out, and if you don't believe me, then by all means go and check the terms and conditions yourself:

Does this mean that the ministry for defense doesn't have one copy of itunes on any of it's hundreds of thousands of computers??? Someone's due for an anal raping that's for sure. 

Shotgun! :D

Bebo trying to keep me down like 'the man'...

Using all the tact and cunning I have at my disposal, I created a bebo page for our good friend, John "The Shtalkerson" Corcoran(here's his bebo page) It seems as though someone didn't see the funny side to my satirical approach to Johns life as a gay woman, a fantasy world not too dissimilar to young Johns,and proceeded to closing the page and ending all the fun. :(

During my moment of creative enlightenment, I photo-chopped a few pictures. These could have been lost forever had I not the foresight to back them up as I went. I'm going to start a blog dedicated to the Shtalk, one he will thank me for in years to come when his fame grows in the same way his flute did on that faithful summer in old head.

Here's some of the shots I used on his custom bebo page, one that the bebo community will sorely miss. :'(

His acting debut....they grow up so fast...


Christmas with the Shtalks!


The lovers....wait till you see the kids..


These wondrous images have captured the hearts of many from around the world, so it's only fair to continue the legacy right here, where it can't be stopped. A new tab will be added on the right hand side of this page for easy access to the gallery. Feel free to comment! :)

Please visit Johns page and send him a comment of sorts about his womanly ways! You can then block him and never have to tolerate a response. 

I know jack shit about pants...

I have a lot of time and my hands, (sometimes I have a lot of period blood on my hands but she didn't know me very well and it was embarrassing for both of us) and as with all social welfare reapers, or "The Living Dead" as we like to be called, I find small but entertaining adventures to fill my day with joy. Today I found myself on www.amazon.com, and after taking a peek at the average price of notebook of medium spec I thought I'd look at the womens panty section. After all, I had just polished off my afternoon green tea and was feeling a lust for lingerie that only an ann summers enthusiast can relate to. After glancing over some rather impressive looking corsets and suspenders, I noticed something rather queer at the foot of the page.....

For those of you not familiar with Amazons layout, they cross check the item your currently viewing with other possible items of interest. They further assist us by listing other items bought by the cock chuggers who purchased whatever it is your currently viewing. Listed along with a serious pair of high cut suspenders with netted links between each fastener was this tragic piece of clothing.

What the fuck is an FBI agent doing wrapped in smufet's fanny flaps?

Wheelchair Access...

What do you think of my skin? And I don't mean the skin on my fucking back you cum dumpster! I chose the handicapped sign as my trademark for 3 reasons.

1. It makes me laugh when I think of people who get to sit down for their entire lives yet moan about it.
2. It's a retard symbol and is funny be default.
3. It's actually considered an official 'danger notification' symbol by the E.U and US.
   

That's right.

Which is why signs like this...

And this..

And even this...

 

All perform similar tasks in their day to day lives. And what's that kids? Yes, that's right. Warning the reader of imminent danger in that area. Now I'm no genius, (I'm also no porn star but that doesn't stop me from blasting a soggy wad on your girlfriends neck) but given the color guidelines for these public service announcements, wouldn't this symbol seem a little....controversial, in some circles of political correction obsessed retards.

To the passive viewer this may seem like nothing out of the ordinary. A simple warning to take precautions when, well, doing stuff around nearby retards. Maybe this danger sign is to let people know that they too may become retarded or confined to a slow-kart if they spend too much time in this area. Maybe they should place these outside the offices of scientologists or

weight watchers clinics to stop the accidental retardation of innocent bystanders.

Or perhaps there is something more heinous going on. Perhaps the erector of this sign has noticed some rather aggressive handicaps in the area and has taken it upon himself to warn the locals. Either way, I'd keep my fucking eyes open and my 9mm locked and loaded, cause if one of these slimey bastards tries rolling by me he's gonna get what he should have been given at birth. And that's a double tap where his faulty cerebral marshmallow has been whirring away all these years.

I could put up a whole bunch of 'funny' signs that are good for a 0.53sec laugh, but I'm not like your friends who give each other social colonic irrigations. There's more chance of me thinking that your personality resembles your mothers gash on her bloody monthly rag week, than an ego massage in the form of pat on the back or similar recognition for a photograph you copied and pasted. Go fill your photo albums with pictures of lepers and aids victims and I'll be the first one to beat off in your direction, but until then, suck my asshole till I shit on you. Speaking of sucking assholes...

That's pretty fucking awesome right? 

I guess it's obvious why priests and bono are always on long weekends over there, it's like a trip to The Dam for the cunts!

The term "Be yourself" wasn't meant for you..

 Remember when your mother told you that you could be anything you wanted when you grow up? And you rejoiced by running around her bar stool with dried fanta caked on your face and a half eaten mars bar stuffed in your clammy paw. Believing that one day you could achieve more than your pickled liver of a father ever managed. And then do you remember when she told you that a jolly old fat fucker,with a name suspiciously similar to satan, would climb down your chimney on the birthday anniversary of some little kid with a god complex 2000 years ago, delivering gifts to all the little shits on your block? Are you seeing a pattern here?

She lied. Yup, and she was probably blowing the mail man when she did it,but claiming she was removing poison from a venomous snake bite. Needless to say, daddy probably found out. After all,black eyes,like genital warts, don't appear by themselves.

I'm SideFX. I'm a believer in saying what needs to be said and intending on doing what needs to be done. The physical effort involved in the latter will determine the rate at which the task will see completion. I'll short list my literary heroes now, this will save us beating off in eachothers faces about who I'm ripping off or trying to be like.

Heroes:

Me

Having a vague similarity to someone born with downes syndrome has given me a distinct advantage over my peers. It allows me to be verbally retarded without the obligation to apologize for my actions afterwards. It also allows me to use handicapped seats on public transport by inducing some rather noticeable saliva and general frothing at the mouth. Gripping my semi erect member through my St Mary's Mental Institution hospital robe also completes the look but public order offenses can pile up with this little trick.

One of my favorite pieces of movie dialogue is from Double Parked 3, where the lead actress screams, "That's my fucking ass" when our hero accidentally directs his cum truncheon up the dump duct of his female co-star. A classic moment immortalized on film. Coming a close second is Brad Pitts tidbit on life in Fight Club.

Quote taken from www.imdb.com:

 "You're not your job. You're not how much money you have in the bank. You're not the car you drive. You're not the contents of your wallet. You're not your fucking khakis. You're the all-singing, all-dancing crap of the world. "

I find it sums up a lot of the issues I have with the shit stabbers of our generation. Those making up the common majority of credit card wielding,latte sipping,tax paying anal fisters who believe that they are what Tyler Durden says we are not. I believe this film raises the issues we all have about the world we live in. But instead of throwing a cum wad in the face of 'the man' we instead take said wad, and lay it on a bed of some naked chefs choice salad.We endure every last bite until it's malignant seminal fluid finds it's way into our brains and informs us that having a celery and carrot smoothie every other wednesday will clean our systems of the toxins we apply in our 'living for the weekend' lifestyle.

If you sense negativity in this blog then congratulations, you are still self-aware and your soul can be saved for a small fee. I accept paypal and recently circumcised pieces of female genitals as valid forms of payment. All other forms of payment will first be considered then consumed to ensure they meet at least 1 of my required 5 a day.

I need to take a shit now as I have a high fiber diet and my colon needs to breath at least 3 times a day.